Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize