I like to think it a success when the cops are called
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
