his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
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