What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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