Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
