remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
