Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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