I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
