Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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