I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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