dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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