Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
I just pynch a tree in the face
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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