I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
