I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Randomize
