Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
