I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
