I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Randomize
