Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
