My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I intend to get homeless drunk
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
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