Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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