Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
