I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
