The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
