We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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