sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
