My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize