Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
