I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
