All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
