I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize