if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
