just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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