I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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