Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
