I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
