There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Randomize
