it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
