He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Drunk is a universal language darling
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