Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Randomize