i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize