Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I should be sponsored by Trojan
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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