Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
