proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
