He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
