Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
