the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
