there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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