Midget sex pt 2 tonight
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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