dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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