Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
