Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
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