Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
It's Friday. Sex?
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Randomize
