how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
