He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Randomize
