I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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