You can't motorboat a personality
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
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