I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
