my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
