how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
