tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
