my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
