I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
