haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
