My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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