Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Randomize
