meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
