I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Holy shit dude........stairs
Randomize