Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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