Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
