I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize