i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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