just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
