remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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