If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
