we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
We are two peas in an std pod
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
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